whats gotten into me??
one moment i'm feeling this and another moment i'm feeling that.
i really just hate myself to the core.. i know i shouldn't be saying this but i really am feeling that. y cant i just be normal.. why must i be so emotional over every single thing!?
why must i cry so much? why am i feeling so insecure at times?
i'm such a horrid person. sometimes i really want to go as far away from everyone possible. hide in a corner and stay there. sometimes i feel so unworthy of Him that i would not want to face Him. just want to run away and sink in my bitterness..
i know i shouldnt feel tis way and shouldnt be like tat but i cant bring myself to be happy and all.. i try but each time i do, i'm happy but it lasts only awhile and it dies and somehow a massive cloud of sadness takes over and wells up in my heart, making myself sink even deeper.
and somehow sadly enough i dont see myself trying to pick myself up but instead lets myself fall deeper. somehow i think i allow myself to torture me.. thinking thats the only way to find comfort.
in front of them i cant be all wimpy and sad n stuff. have to try and appear to be strong, happy n that everythings ok and fine and i'm well. but the truth is i'm NOT. i have to hide all this sadness and bitterness inside of mi. only crying to myself and only myself. who will want to talk to a depressed and gloomy person? who likes socialising with one..? all this i have to hide and be cheerful but its getting to me.
and i realised its tis that i've isolated myself. not wanting to get too involved with people around mi. hoping tat they don get all sad and moody and think tat i'm such a spoilt sport and that i have to be the one who spoils their day. i'd rather be alone. the only comfort i can find is that one person, always there for mi, spending time wif me. but its different! its not the same! its not enough!
yes i go to church on sunday, feel uplifted and that God cares, loves me and all.. but as i proceed on through the week, i begin to fall back and hate myself and everything.
theres so much in me and i really cant express all of it..
i'm bad at it. i'm just bad at everything.
one moment i'm feeling this and another moment i'm feeling that.
i really just hate myself to the core.. i know i shouldn't be saying this but i really am feeling that. y cant i just be normal.. why must i be so emotional over every single thing!?
why must i cry so much? why am i feeling so insecure at times?
i'm such a horrid person. sometimes i really want to go as far away from everyone possible. hide in a corner and stay there. sometimes i feel so unworthy of Him that i would not want to face Him. just want to run away and sink in my bitterness..
i know i shouldnt feel tis way and shouldnt be like tat but i cant bring myself to be happy and all.. i try but each time i do, i'm happy but it lasts only awhile and it dies and somehow a massive cloud of sadness takes over and wells up in my heart, making myself sink even deeper.
and somehow sadly enough i dont see myself trying to pick myself up but instead lets myself fall deeper. somehow i think i allow myself to torture me.. thinking thats the only way to find comfort.
in front of them i cant be all wimpy and sad n stuff. have to try and appear to be strong, happy n that everythings ok and fine and i'm well. but the truth is i'm NOT. i have to hide all this sadness and bitterness inside of mi. only crying to myself and only myself. who will want to talk to a depressed and gloomy person? who likes socialising with one..? all this i have to hide and be cheerful but its getting to me.
and i realised its tis that i've isolated myself. not wanting to get too involved with people around mi. hoping tat they don get all sad and moody and think tat i'm such a spoilt sport and that i have to be the one who spoils their day. i'd rather be alone. the only comfort i can find is that one person, always there for mi, spending time wif me. but its different! its not the same! its not enough!
yes i go to church on sunday, feel uplifted and that God cares, loves me and all.. but as i proceed on through the week, i begin to fall back and hate myself and everything.
theres so much in me and i really cant express all of it..
i'm bad at it. i'm just bad at everything.
posted by *xiuen at
10:07 PM
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